


Avatar of the Whore

by Just_A_Simple_Writer



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, This Is STUPID, but i love it, canon can gargle my dick and balls, this is totally self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_A_Simple_Writer/pseuds/Just_A_Simple_Writer
Summary: Sirius Black and Gerard Keay hanging out in a dark room. thats it thats the fic
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 62





	Avatar of the Whore

**Author's Note:**

> its my birthday so my present to myself is posting this horribly self-indulgent fic
> 
> for anyone waiting for the next part of pirate nonsense im sorry i promise ive started it

The room, in as much as it could be called a room, was dark.

Well, ‘dark’ was perhaps an understatement. ‘Dark’ is a room at night, a basement, a cave. ‘Dark’ is the simple absence of light.

This was not dark. Rather that being an absence of light it was an overabundance of the opposite, a deep, oppressive blackness which had a real _presence_.

It was silent, too, although not in a way that suggested emptiness, more a reluctance to speak. There was the sound of shifting fabric, breathing in the darkness, but no one spoke.

The silence dragged on until there was a quiet mutter of _lumos_ , and a faint light appeared in the darkness.

It did nothing to dispel the dark around it which, if anything, only got darker, but it lit up the face of the boy who held it.

The features it illuminated were handsome, high cheekbones and slate-grey eyes, framed by soft waves of black hair. The pale white light bleached any colour that might have been there from his skin.

Sirius Black (because that was the name to whom the face belonged) squinted into the dark, trying to make out whoever was sitting a little way away from him.

It was impossible, of course. The darkness was just too thick, too heavy.

He opened his mouth to say something, to ask if the breathing from in front of him was a friend, or even an enemy, but the words died in his throat. Whoever they were, he was sure they were a stranger.

The silence continued until the other occupant of the room muttered a gruff _hang on_ , and there was the rustle of fabric.

A clink of metal and the click of a lighter, and a second light appeared in the darkness, the flame of this even fainter than the soft white light of the other.

Still, it was just enough to light the face of its owner, glinting off metal piercings and showing long, straight hair, dyed black. The light just barely showed where the roots were growing through.

This boy had a name too, Gerard Keay, though his friends, had he had them, would have called him Gerry.

The two boys could see each other now in the two puddles of light. Neither of them spoke for a moment.

They had never met, never even had a reason to hear of the other, though their parents may have moved in similar circles. They were not on good terms with their families, though, and this information would have meant nothing to either of them.

Sirius spoke first, used to filling awkward silences with his voice.

“Hi,” he said, faint in the dark, “cool tattoo.”

The latter part was accompanied by a nod towards Gerry’s hand, where a stylised eye was just visible.

Gerry glanced down and back up. “Thanks.”

His lighter clicked off and he swore, lighting it for a second time. It seemed fainter.

Sirius shifted a few times, fidgety, until his light went out too, at almost the same time as Gerry’s lighter.

Neither came back on. The dark did not like to be illuminated.

“I’m Sirius, by the way.”

They had both given up on trying to achieve light.

“Gerard Keay. Gerry.”

“Bloody dark, isn’t it?”

A faint laugh. “Yeah.”

Sirius stood, the material of his robe rustling. Sitting still was not a skill he had been blessed with. “How’d you get in here?”

“Same as you, I guess. Leitner.”

“Nah, messed up a spell. _Not_ my fault, mind you.”

“A spell? You’re … fuck, what was that?”  
“Oh, that’s your face. Sorry.”

Gerry felt around in the dark, trying to locate Sirius and avoid another hand to the face.

“Sit down,” he said, his hand finding what he hoped was Sirius’ ankle.

Sirius complied, settling back onto the ground and fidgeting with his hand instead.

“How long do you reckon we’ll be here?” he asked, impatient, after a few minutes of silence.

Gerry shrugged, invisible in the dark. “Forever?”  
“Bloody hell. I hope not.”

“I don’t know a way out. Don’t know about you.”

A pause. “Moony’ll figure something out. He’s smart.”

“A friend of yours?”

“Boyfriend.” There was a proud note to his voice. The status of _boyfriend_ was a new development, one which Sirius had barely been dissuaded from shouting about from the rooftops.

Another pause. “I hope you’re right. Or we’re stuck here.”

“He’s smart. Trust me.”

“Got a bit of a weird name, huh?”

“’s a nickname. His real name’s Remus.”

“Right. Tell me about him.”

“He’s smart. Funny. Really beautiful. Asked _me_ out, even though _I’d_ been the one crushing on him since bloody second year, and…”

“Second year?”

“Year eight. And I said yes, even though I was sure Prongs had put him up to it for a joke or something.”

“Prongs? Another nickname?”

There was definitely a smile in Sirius’ voice now, and Gerry couldn’t help smiling a bit as well. “Yeah. James. He’s my best mate, basically family.”

“You got a lot of friends?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Prongs and Wormy are closest though. Moony too, I guess, but I’m not sure we’re mates, exactly. You don’t snog your mates.”

There was a pause while he thought.

“Well, mostly not. Snogged Prongs once or twice, just for a laugh.”

Gerry huffed a soft laugh. “Sounds like you _do_ snog your friends.”

“Only Prongs! Wormy’s a bit weird. Anyway, I’m on a strictly Moony-only snogging policy. He’s well good at it.”

“You know, I don’t think I asked.”

“It’s important knowledge.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

Sirius shifted, leaning back against the wall and staring dreamily at nothing at all.

“You know,” he said finally, “it would be an awful shame if I died here.”

“I’m sure your Moony would be devastated.”

“He’d better be. If he doesn’t cry enough at my funeral I’m going to haunt him. Got anyone who’d miss you?”

Gerry didn’t reply for a moment. “Probably not. It’s just my mum, and I think ‘eaten by a Leitner’ is the destiny she’s always dreamed of for me.”

“Mothers,” Sirius said, with more than a touch of bitterness in his voice, and then distracted himself, as he was prone to do. “What’s a Leitner, by the by?”

“He’s a who. Jurgen Leitner, collector of fucked up books. Mum’s obsessed with the things.”

He didn’t ask about Sirius’ mother.

“Sounds like a hoot. He’d love the restricted section of Hogwarts library. Or my house.”

“Hogwarts? Do you come up with weird nicknames for everything?”

That threw Sirius for a bit of a loop. He’d assumed (wrongly) that Gerry was a wizard, but not British wizard _hadn’t_ heard of Hogwarts.

“You’ve never heard of it? It’s only the best wizarding school in England. Nay, the world!”

“Wizarding school? God, you’re not one of _those_ , are you?”

“A wizard?”

“A cult-y weirdo. Mum deals with them sometimes.”

“It’s not a _cult_.”

“Sounds like one.”

“Well it’s not. You’re a muggle, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what that means, but if you call me it again I might just break your nose.”

Sirius reached out to pat Gerry on the shoulder and nearly poked an eye out.

“It’s not an insult. Just someone who’s not a wizard.”

“For God’s sake, keep your freezing fucking hands away from my face.”

“Sorry. Bad circulation.”

“It’s not your circulation that nearly poked my eye out.”

“Point taken. In my defence, I was aiming for your shoulder.”

Gerry rolled his eyes, although he knew there was no way Sirius could see him.

There was more shifting as Sirius tried to find a comfortable position.

“Tell me about your mum,” Sirius asked, when he got sick of the silence.

The silence dragged on for several more minutes, and it seemed as though Gerry wasn’t going to say anything.

“She doesn’t love me,” he said, finally.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius told him, knowing better than most that there was nothing else to say.

“Most people tell me all parents love their children.”  
“Most people don’t know any better.”

“You don’t get on with your family?”

The silence before Sirius spoke was far more telling than anything he could say.

“Not exactly.”

Gerry nodded slowly. “I get it.”

Any further discussion was suddenly and unexpectedly interrupted by the abrupt departure of the darkness, as though a blanket had been pulled away, revealing a tall and somewhat scrawny boy with messy black hair, looking curiously around the now-visible room.

“Prongs?” Sirius asked, scrambling to his feet with something approaching elation on his face. “How long have you been here?”

“About ten seconds,” James Potter replied, engaging Sirius in an overly complicated handshake, as was their tradition. “Moony thought you could use some company, but I see you’ve met-” he broke off and squinted at Gerry “-your surprisingly youthful furture self.”

“That’s Gerry,” Sirius, said, by way of an unhelpful explanation. “Moony didn’t by chance figure out a way _out_ , did he?”

“Hi,” James said, in the vague direction of Gerry, who was both utterly confused and feeling a bit left out. “He said he was going to fetch McG.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You don’t think he-”

The darkness returned, cutting him off, and all three boys scrambled for any source of light they could find.

Three tiny puddles appeared in the darkness.

“Well,” James said, “this sucks.”

“They’ll go out in a minute,” Gerry told him, a little despondent. “Don’t think the dark likes them.”

As if on cue his lighter flickered off, and no amount of clicking could make the little flame reappear.

“This _sucks_ ,” James said again, as his and Sirius’ lights faded out too, and proved impossible to summon back into existence. “Why did Moony suggest this?”

“I think he wanted some peace,” Sirius complained, sliding down the wall. “He banished us so he could finish his book.”

“He do that a lot?” Gerry asked, curious.

There was a pause.

“Yep,” Sirius told him.

“All the time,” James agreed.

“Locked us out of the dorms once.”  
“More than once. And framed us for dyeing Snivellus’ hair pink. We were stuck in detention for three hours!”

“We _did_ do that.”

“He helped!”

Gerry laughed softly. “Quite the friendship, then.”

“I love him more than life itself,” Sirius declared loudly.

“Wish you wouldn’t show it by snogging in the dorm,” James muttered, unfortunately loud enough for Sirius to hear him.

“I really feel like I needed to hear that,” Gerry said thoughtfully, and James snorted.

“Oh, I like him. You’re right, no one needs that.”

“I do,” Sirius protested.

“I literally do not care,” James said, almost conversationally.

“You’re supposed to be my best mate.”

“You’re supposed to be _my_ best mate, but you’re busy snogging Moony.”

“Do you two always argue like this?”

“If we didn’t,” Sirius said, stretching his arms wide and narrowly avoiding smacking Gerry in the face yet again, “life would lose all meaning.”

“Noted,” Gerry said, rolling his eyes in the dark.

“We’re practically brothers,” James said, his voice fond. “It’s how we show love.”

“I wouldn’t know. Only child.”

“Me too. But I’d imagine that’s what having a brother would be like. A not-shitty one, I mean. Reg doesn’t count.”

“You take that back,” Sirius told him.

“You don’t _talk_ to him.”

“I talk to him plenty; he won’t talk to _me_.” He sighed, almost regretful. “Shame, really.”

“My point stands.”

“You love him?” Gerry asked quietly.

“Course I do. Just ‘cos he’s a git doesn’t mean he’s not my brother.”

“Does take after the bitch a bit.”

“Shut up, Prongs.”

Gerry laughed faintly in the dark. “Your mother?”  
“Yeah. Prongs has something against her.”

James snorted. “Can’t imagine why.”

“Shut _up_ , Prongs.”

“My mum’s a bit of a bitch as well,” Gerry told him, hoping it was comforting.

“That makes two of us.”

“I keep telling you Pads, come live with me. Mum and Dad won’t mind, they love you. Bring your emo friend.”

“I’m goth. And your parents don’t even know me.”

“The offer still stands.”

“I love your parents, but I’m not moving in. We’ve been over this.”

James went to say something and then stopped. There had been a sound that was scarily like claws scuttling over the stone of the floor.

“What the fuck was that?” Gerry asked, clicking the button of his useless lighter.

“Who’s there?” James called, unwisely.

The scuttling stopped and silence fell.

“Fuck that,” Sirius breathed a moment later. “I want out.”

“I agree wholeheartedly,” James said, jumping as the scuttling came again and muttering a spell. It failed.

“Your Moony had better hurry up,” Gerry said, eyes flicking from darkness to darkness.

“If he’s left us here to read his book I’m breaking up with him.”

“I will officially expel him from the marauders.”

“Nothing to do with your Moony, but I’m going to hunt down and kill Jurgen Leitner.”  
“Who?”  
“Collector of fucked up books. Come on Prongs, keep up.”

“What?”  
The scuttling was closer this time. All three of them swore.

And then light. Beautiful, glorious light.

The boys tumbled down onto a hard stone floor, wonderfully visible.

“I should hope-” A stern, female voice “-this will dissuade you boys from experiments of this sort.”

The three of them scrambled to their feet, brushing dirt and dust from their clothes.

The woman, as well as the sandy-haired boy standing a little behind her, watched somewhat disapprovingly, although the boy, one Remus Lupin, was more amused than anything. The whole escapade had been his idea in the first place, although he wouldn’t admit to it. Much more amusing to let the other two take the fall for it.

The woman (Minerva McGonagall, though Gerry had never met her and the others knew her as Professor) had been a little afraid, although she wouldn’t admit to that, either. None of the boys had really known how dangerous their little trip had been.

“Potter, Black,” she snapped, “detention. For a week. And you, Mr…”

“Keay. Gerard.”

“You’re not a student, are you?”

Gerry shook his head, not sure what to make of her. She reminded him a little of his mother, though there was a mischievous twinkle in her eye that he was rather curious about.

“Well, be careful in future. These things are…”

“Not to be trifled with, I know, I know.”

Minerva paused. “Good. Now, where do you live?”

Gerry rattled off the address and Minerva’s frown deepened. That complicated things.

“Ah. You’re related to Mary Keay.”

“My mother. You know her?”

“I have heard _of_ her. I believe she is in the business of collecting rare and magical books.”

“You mean Leitners. The rat bastard.”

Sirius, who had previously been bemoaning his detention for something that _hadn’t even been my fault, come on Moony, the least you could do is own up to it_ stopped, to Remus’ relief, laughing softly

Minerva just quirked an eyebrow, amused. “Interesting wording, but yes. I suppose you’ve encountered his collection, then.”

“Unfortunately.”

“Indeed. Well, no matter. We can still send you back. In the meantime I suggest you stay in the dorm with Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, seeing as you have met them already.”

Sirius whooped loudly. “Go on, say yes. It’ll be a right laugh.”

Minerva turned a stern eye on him. “I’m sure this will _not_ lead to any trouble.”

James and Sirius both saluted her, unable to help grinning. “Marauders honour.”

“Hm. We’ll see about that. Mr. Keay?”

Gerry smiled. “Alright.”

“Wicked,” Sirius said, with feeling, grabbing the hand of an unsuspecting Remus, woes forgotten. “Come on, we’ll show you around.”

He took off down the corridor, dragging Remus behind him, and James slung an arm around Gerry’s shoulders, leading him after them and talking nineteen to the dozen.

Minerva watched them go, shaking her head fondly, before turning to go. She had some letters to right, and she should really have a stern conversation with the headmaster about what sort of books were kept in the restricted section. The last thing she wanted was anything happening to her students.

**Author's Note:**

> i know its terrible come yell at me on my [tumblr](https://jaysworlds.tumblr.com/)


End file.
